Good Government/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW It's the new "red green show"! And now here's the man that everybody's talking about, except the members of the jury, of course, my uncle, your hero -- red green! Appreciate it. Thank you. Thank you. Sorry I'm a little bit late here, but the bridge is out again. Man, I'm getting fed up with this. Every spring, the road washes out between here and town, and I'll tell you -- a lot of us do not enjoy being cooped up in the lodge... For obvious reasons. It's always dangerous to drive in floodwaters. Unless, of course, you know, if you had an amphicar, it'd be okay, you know. I saw a guy in an amphicar one time. He was doing just fine till he went over the waterfalls. So, actually, you know, yes, yes, it's always dangerous to drive in floodwaters. [ laughs ] even if you did have an amphicar, that's really highly unlikely. They stopped making them like 30 years ago. I bet you you could make one, though, you know, if you had, like, a little duct tape and lots of insurance, you could make one. [ sighs ] like I say, a lot of us get tired of being cooped up in the lodge. So we decided to get the government to look after it. What the heck? It's their road. It's their problem. All we got to do is get in touch with our local representative... Anonymously, of course, 'cause we want him to think we're taxpayers. Uncle red, who -- who is our local representative? I have no idea, harold. Well, who'd you vote for in the last election? Oh, I abstained. The playoffs were on. Oh, right. [ horns honking ] [ jazz music plays ] captions made possible by acorn media [ geese honking ] [ ducks quacking ] [ water splashes ] what you're looking at here is a bunch of segments from this particular show, the main message being, "for gosh sakes, don't even think about changing the channel." I'll tell you something -- if you're gonna try and make sense out of this program, you got to give it your undivided attention. Well, got the scoop on our government guy. His name is jerome q. Partiger, and he's been our local representative for the last nine years. Jerome -- I never heard of him. He's never kissed any babies or cut any ribbons or anything like that. No. Well, there's a reason for that, harold. He passed away eight years ago. Oh, so he's the late jerome q. Partiger. No, he's not late. He's not coming. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait. We had an election like three years ago. How did he run for that? Very quiet campaign. Actually, flinty mcclintock ran against him. What, flinty didn't think to mention that his opponent was deceased? Well, didn't seem to matter, harold. You know, people around here -- very conservative, and, of course, jerome was the incumbent. He's recumbent! Uncle red, he's dead! You know... [ gasps, coughs ] well, harold, in politics, if you're dead first, it makes the other guy dead last. Well, later on, we get -- [ clatters ] oh, there's bill there. Yeah, we're gonna have an adventure, of course, later on. Come on out, bill. Come on. Oh. Used the fire exit on that. [ chuckles ] anyway, uh, bill's got some darts here. That's what we're gonna be doing later on in the program. We got some -- the dart thing, and -- one thing about aiming at the ground -- he can hit it, usually. So, bill's gonna get the door back up there. No, bill. Come on, bill. [ screams ] oh! [ laughs ] oh, boy! Oh, boy! There's a good start to a day, huh? Boy, I always wondered why -- why bill's pants fit him so well. 'cause he got all them darts in them. [ guitar playing ] ♪ oh, life is a wonderful mystery ♪ ♪ who'd guess we could do what we've done? ♪ ♪ but until you face a pit bull in heat ♪ ♪ you'll never know how fast you can run ♪ [ bells jingling ] stop that. Okay, this is for the big one. The grand prize is a 1983 cordoba -- unlicensed, uncertified, and on fire. Uncle red, you have 30 seconds to get mr. Bob stuyvesant to say this word. [ chuckles ] [ humming ] "church." "church." oh, come on. [ humming continues ] go! All right, bob. On Sunday morning, you go to... Play golf. No. No, no. This -- this is where non-golfers go. The driving range? No, no. This -- this is a place where you kneel and pray. The green on the 9th hole? No, bob. Okay, okay. You've been married four times, okay? Oh, yeah. Each time, you got married in a... Hurry. But you were in a... Fog. No, no. I'm talking about the building you were in when you said you'd marry her. Motel 6. Whoa! No, no, no. No. This is it. This is -- this is -- this is a special building. Pointed roof. Oh, the pro shop. No. I'm talking stained-glass windows. Outhouse? Oh. No. Oh, no. I know. I know, I know, I know. All those things you got in your golf bag -- yeah? Plenty of words. You got nibblets. You got mashies. What do you call a bottle opener? Church key! There we go. [ bell dings ] there we go. Red: This week in "handyman corner," I thought I'd take you back to a lost art from an era where there were a lot more tradesmen and people were really stinking cheap. So, what I've got here -- I've got a bell on a piece of thread here. And that's as long as the thread is, and it won't stretch. Now watch what happens when I add steam to it. See, the steam drives the moisture into the cotton thread and adds elasticity. Watch this. [ thread creaking ] [ grunting ] whoa. Oh, baby. [ laughs ] [ bell jingles ] see that? See how that works? You know, they used to do the same thing with hats, like this. And they'd add the steam to them, and they could bend them to fit whoever was wearing them. So, put the steam in there, and they'd mold it to the guy's head, you know? It was called getting your hat blocked, and I guess people who had it done were blockheads. Of course, now they don't do that anymore because everybody's wearing the baseball caps on backwards. But I'm thinking to myself, "why couldn't you get your pants blocked so they'll still fit you?" you know, we've all seen the passage of time in males and what that can do to a perfectly good pair of pants, who are no longer up to the challenge of keeping up with the waistline they were originally purchased to circumnavigate. Well, I'm saying why couldn't you just add some steam in there and then just stretch the pants as big as you need them? All right, now, first thing you're gonna need is some kind of a pant container to hold them while you're steaming them. Well, here we go. How about hip waders, huh? That'll work just fine. All's you got to do is lay them out there and then stuff the pants right into them. You want to get the cuffs way down past the ankles so they'll stick in there. And, uh, if it's real old hip waders, they may just stick all on their own, you know. You know, I suggest you do this with the blinds down. No sense starting unnecessary rumors. And once you got the pants in there, you want to hang this whole unit from the ceiling, upside down. Now, you can see, I put on the bottom here duct-tape coils there, sticky side out. We'll just stick them right up to the ceiling. [ whistle! ] all right, there we go. Now all's we have to do is add the steam to her. [ coughing ] well, you know, in hindsight there, I believe I would go with a newer, cleaner pair of hip waders that didn't have the dried mung hanging inside. Well, anyway, the pants, I would say, now have a full head of steam, and they're ready for the blocking. Now, for what you need for that, uh, to stretch them out real good, you want to get yourself some inner tubes -- maybe out of a truck or out of a bus or, you know, whatever size you are. If you're a real big boy, might want to get a couple off the landing gear of the space shuttle. Now, what you want to do with these is just stuff them up inside the pant legs. But, of course, first of all, you got to get the pant legs out of there. Oh! Whoa, baby! Talk about hot pants. All right, you want to stuff the inner tubes down in there. And here, again, you might want to close the blinds on this. And if your wife yells down, "what are you doing down there," just say you're blowing up your pants, and I can pretty much guarantee she'll leave you alone for the rest of the day. [ grunting ] [ air hissing ] oh, oh, oh. Hold it. Hold it. Got a bit of a rip in the pants there. Have to fix that up. [ air hissing ] there we go. Got them up about, uh, 19 sizes now -- much like yourself, huh? Now all's you got to do is remove those inner tubes, and you're all set. We now need to kind of undo the zipper and relieve the pressure. We've done that before. [ zipper unzips ] [ air hissing ] oh. Oh, boy. Guess the zipper cut into the inner tube there. I got a bit of a leak. What am I thinking about? That doesn't matter. We want to get the air out of there anyway. That's perfect. So, you see, when you're blocking your pants up to a certain size, I'll tell you -- the sky is the limit. Remember -- if women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. [ whistle, clatter ] stay tuned and relax. Whatever this is, we got a lot more of it. I want to talk to you older couples out there who are saving your money so that, after you retire, you can travel. And then when you do retire, instead of a yearlong, 'round-the-world cruise, you spend two nights at a motel 6 because they got the early bird dinner and clean washrooms. See, I would tell you, "do your traveling now." 'cause the older you get, the less you like new stuff. And I'll tell you something -- travel is nonstop new stuff -- new food, new beer, new language, new money. You know how it bugs you that you can't understand half the things your kids are saying to you now? How do you think you're gonna enjoy some italian yelling at you 'cause you forgot which side of the street to drive on? Oh, yeah, those romance languages can get pretty unromantic. So I would say do a little bit of traveling now. Go away for a little short trip, kind of get your feet wet. You know, find out if you enjoy standing in a french railway station trying to figure out how to flush the toilet. You know, and I'm not just talking about traveling. Whatever it is you plan to do after you retire, find out if you enjoy it first. No sense spending 40 years at a job you hate only to retire to do something else you can't stand. Remember -- I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. Oka-- sorry, harold. As it turns out, you know, with our deceased government rep, they've been continuing to deposit his paychecks into a community account in the possum lake bank and video outlet. Yeah, that's -- that's, like, spooky or weird or something. We should just inform the government, you know? 'cause that money -- it's, like, foolish spending. It could be used to help reduce the deficit. [ laughing ] yeah, right. You know, I think we should use the money to fix the road. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You can't do that. Why not? It's not your money. Well, whose money is it? Not yours. Well, the road's not mine. I use that. The money's not mine. I'll use that, too. Well, you know what? I think, legally, the money belongs to the estate of mr. Jerome q. Partiger. Therefore, we should just notify his next of kin. Who's his next of kin? No one's ever admitted being related to him, harold. Especially since that town picnic there where he was overserved the special cider during the dairy-princess contest and spent most of the evening under the sausage wagon with miss congeniality. So, I'm standing there, and I'm ready to just, you know, walk out like I always do. And I thought, "no. No, this is wrong. This is wrong." so I went back in, and I put that seat down. All right! Whoo! [ sputters ] maybe someone else would like to share some emotions. Dalton, you have something you'd like to share with the group, maybe? Sure. [ clears throat ] oh, okay. My name is dalton, and I'm a man. Hi, dalton. Hi, dalton. Hi, dalton. Hi, dalton. Hello, men. And, uh, I guess it's been two weeks since I last acted like a guy. And, um, fell off the wagon -- almost fell off the wagon yesterday. See, I went clothes shopping with the wife, and, uh, we went to that women's store out in port asbestos. You know the one? It's across the street from the hardware store. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, anyway... You know, I-I-I fought temptation because I could have said, you know, "no, dear, you go on along inside "'cause I got to pick up something at the hardware store." but that would have been acting like a guy. And I didn't. I could have. 'cause they had that -- hardware store had the table right out on the sidewalk, you know? The "everything on this table is a dollar" table? They had this rolled-up window screen that -- and -- and -- and these cans of dented car wax and the screw nails and -- oh, oh, oh! This brand-new barbecue only had one leg missing. Oh, my gosh. A dollar? Oh, geez, I wanted that, boy! I don't mind admitting it! I just wanted that! Well, okay, I don't mind saying that I could have killed an hour at that table, easy! But I didn't. I went back in and went shopping with my wife instead. Good. Of course, you know, after I dropped her off, I nipped back and got that barbecue. [ laughs ] yeah, and I got this set of four ratchets made in china. Four for a buck! Two still work! Shiny, bright! Shiny and bright. Yes, thank you, dalton. Red: Well, meanwhile, back at "adventures with bill," we're all set for our big dart game. Bill's just gonna put the nail in the door there, and, uh, we're gonna hang the dart board on the -- [ thud ] oh. Bill, uh, bill, bill, that wo-- bill, that won't work. Bill, bill, there's nothing to hang it on. Bill. Bill. No, bill, that can't work. That's impossible. Ow! Ohh! See what I mean? Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Okay. No, no. You're fine, you're fine, you're fine. You're fine, you're fine. Oh, come on. You're fine. So, we get the door all straightened around there and everything. We're all set, and, uh, you know, the dart, uh... Oh, boy. The dart, uh -- the dart tradition, I believe, goes back, uh, hundreds and hundreds of years there to when they had, uh, I guess, things to throw darts at -- just passing animals or whatever. That -- that line's not good enough, bill. No. This is the manly dirt line, eh? You know, if you can see the dart board, you're too close. Look at that, eh? I still got it, huh? Still got the touch. Not bad. [ laughs ] go ahead, bill. Go ahead. Go on. There you go. There you go. There you go. No, that's my dart. What? Where's your dart? Where did your dart go? [ bill crying ] boy, this is a -- where the heck is it? Oh, there it is. [ laughs ] oh, boy. Oh, boy. Wow. What? No, no, bill, I'll just take another shot. Boy, you know, once -- here we go. No, that's my dart. Where's your dart? Up, up, up, up -- way up. There we go. Nice shot, bill. I'm glad we don't have a smaller shed. Now -- [ grunts ] [ metal clanks ] nice shot. [ clatters ] we're gonna be here a while, I think, on this one. [ grunts ] should I move the van? [ air hisses ] that's bill's bike. [ dog whimpers ] oh, oh, oh. Oh. Oh, boy. I hope he's okay. Oh, man. All right, so, bill's -- he's done something. I'm not quite sure what, but I guess maybe he must have been practicing. Ho! Hey! Hey! All right! Yeah. All right. No, no. Don't. Come on, now. Take it easy. What? Oh, yeah. This should go well. Oh, my god. What? [ stammering ] now, how -- what? How's this working here? Bill, what's going on? Yeah! Well, by golly, he's -- he's done something to his dart game. That's -- that's incredible. That's just, uh... What you gonna do now, bill? Oh, ohh! Oh, it's a trick. Oh, I see. Okay. Now we're getting into the circus stuff. Well, it was only a matter of time with bill. You gonna shoot that blindfolded? There you go, bill. [ laughs ] just checking the blindfold. That's all. All right, okay, I'm convinced. He can't see. All right. There's your darts, bill. And, uh, fire away. Not -- no, not at me. Not at me. Not at me. There we go. Fire that way. Fire that way. Good luck. As if. [ chuckles ] what? What? [ grunts ] say what? How's that work? What's going on here? Oh, there's some strange force at work here, folks. This is not normal. Yeah! I'm beginning to suspect -- yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The door swings -- what do we got here? What do we got here, bill? Bill? Huh? What's that? What's that, bill? Oh, for gosh sakes, it's a magnet. Here's a couple of ties sent by a viewer for formal night at the lodge. Well, we're almost there with the legal work there to free up the, uh, money in the account of our government representative, the late jerome q. Partiger. Then we'll be able to fix up the bridge there. Might even call it the "jerome q. Partiger memorial bridge." or just "dead jerry's bridge." come on over here, harold. I need you to witness my signature on this thing here. What is it? I'm not gonna sign anything that's in bad taste or on the fringe of being illegal. I'm not asking you to join the lodge, harold. Just sign after I do, okay? Just sign there. Right there. You're the witness, now, okay? Don't read it. Don't read it. Just sign. No, I'm not gonna sign anything unless I read it. Well, okay, what is this? "signature of family member." since when are you a member of the partiger family? Well, we're all family, harold -- a family of man, right? Doesn't mean I'm directly rela-- it's just legalese. Just sign that, will you? [ chuckles ] ha. Okay, yeah. Since when? All right, whose name is that? Red partiger? No, it's red green. [ chuckles ] yeah, right. Since when does your name have a "p" in it? Harold, at my age, everything I do has a "p" in it. Welcome to the expert portion of the show, where we explore those three little words that men find, oh, so difficult to say. All: "I don't know!" [ chuckles ] anyway, joining my uncle red on the expert portion of the show is the brand-new lodge person up here, moved-in kind of guy -- kevin black. All righty rooski, our view writes, "dear experts, "the drinking water at our new cottage tastes rusty, "like I just had a tooth pulled. Is there anything I can do?" yeah, all right, uh, that rusty flavor is iron, and you got two choices on that. You can get used to it... Or you can stop drinking it. Hey, if god wanted us to drink water, he wouldn't have invented beer. I'm, uh -- I'm actually just building a place of my own up here. Now, we haven't, uh, got our water piped in yet, but I know the law. Now, that rusty flavor -- that is actually the municipality's responsibility. They are obligated to provide we, the taxpayer, with good, clean drinking water. No, they're not. Nobody up here has town water, mr. Black. What? Well, what are we supposed to do, bring in bottled water? That would -- that would cost a fortune. No, we dig a well. [ laughs ] what? They still have those? Well, almost everyone does. You're gonna have to get one, too, there, kevin. Kevin has just built a modest little 400,000-square-foot cottage... That overlooks the lake, and it also overlooks what he had to do to afford it. He bought all of blood point. Uh, it's called "bluff point." yeah, well, we call it blood point, but then we know mosquitoes. The bluff part doesn't kick in till he tries to sell it. "sell"? [ chuckles ] no. I'll never sell it. No kidding. [ laughs ] won't be selling that. [ chuckles ] [ mumbling ] no, I think you're gonna have to go with the well on that one there, kevin. No. Okay, well, I-I will -- I will have a well dug. Now, how does one go about getting that done? Well, one picks up a little unit we like to call a shovel. [ laughs ] [ laughing ] no, seriously. Who do I hire? How about one of your lodge members? Oh, I don't think you have that much time. Or insurance. Well, I-I'm sure I will find somebody. And, boy, golly gosh, I hope I have good, clean water. Well, uh, you know what rotten eggs smell like? Not really. You will. Oop! Well, I am pleased to say that thanks to the jerome q. Partiger memorial fund, set up by the late, great jerome q. Partiger -- here and after called "the stiff" -- to care for and maintain the possum lake area in lieu of salary, since his expenses went way down after his death -- thanks to all that plus the innovative way we got to get our hands on that money, the bridge is fixed and the road is now open to town. [ chuckles ] I cannot believe the government continues to pay politicians after they die. Well, it's so hard for them to tell, harold. And, uh, we even kind of covered that off. We had a snap election, and we've elected jerome q. Partiger to a life term. [ chuckles ] I really wouldn't call it a life term. Well, now, we changed that, too. We ruled that the politician is not legally dead as long as his bank account is alive and well. [ screeching ] oh, meeting time, uncle red. You go ahead, harold. I'll be right down. Don't eat all those now, all right? If my wife is watching, by golly, I've had quite a day -- got my van out of the river, had my name changed over and back, spent some government money, and got a dead guy elected for life... And I'm still not tired. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. Captioning made possible by acorn media [ indistinct conversations ] harold: All rise! All rise up! All rise up! All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Red: Harold, you got any entertainment for us tonight? Well, um... To join possum lodge or to get yourself some possum lodge merchandise, call 1-800-ypossum. Or if you're a techno geek, check out harold's home page on the internet.